This is the first time probably in my whole life that I felt failure in its most tangible form. A crack much bigger than my last ones. I normally just let them pass me by. I don't clean up, I just wait for the wind of time. But this time I'm armed, somehow. I feel more ready. I didn't mean to work toward this level when I decided, I just happened to. It's like something put a shiny tool in my hands. It's nice to wave around and use. But all the steps I took led me back to where it was needed in the first place. I'm scared, I've always ran, I never cared. But I know what I can do. what I have to do. The real challenge is to forgive myself every step of the way.

I forgave myself recently after a long period of not and it was like a random blip in the cosmos and suddenly I could just do it. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. It's not one huge event that happens. I'm blind to the build up in the before (remember!) and I know it takes more to go on like this after the event, but past it you never really go back under unless something else happens...

The Joy Experiment I have been skeptical about happiness as the ultimate goal of anything because I am joy-repulsed and I don't want to continue believing that that's wrong.

Beware of advertisements. Everyone stop using the internet NOW.

When I see something so beautiful I get so jealous and angry I start killing people

I'm on the prowl right now. Watching you and What you put on the Internet. I find it very lovely. Thank you for allowing me a peek into your lives. I wish I could do the same But I'm allergic to happiness. Anything small and warm will die in my hands. Incomprehensible.

I did say that I want people to walk away from my site happy. But there's no formula. Just try everything I guess.

Reminder you should check your email

My ass stopped writing here because I was afraid of repeating shit I've already said and this sounding like an edgy show. Like I'm faking it. This is an edgy show but I'm not faking it I do just think that way. This is a sometimes journal.

So I'm thinking of again creating a blog where I'm normal and talk about normal things like my life But it's always just a hollow want; An idea that comes to me so often but upon building its body I keep getting Just the feeling that it was a bad idea and I don't need it It would not live a happy life here.

I'm a fan of everything having its place Tucked away neatly in directories and their indexes And would hate for that to be reduced For the Tree to Flatten for viewers to skip the adventure of clicking through menus and looking over the dates. But the homepage.

I've always thought of it like a newspaper.

Bad, doing bad. I'm going into hiding again. Just when I thought I'm out of it, it just started again. Maybe it's not meant to be, really. And not like I wanted to come out, don't want things to be normal again like before. I cannot hide truly. I need to be seen. Don't care, shouldn't care about the burdens I bring. This will bring me back to a better place. Back when I was bouncing between really happy and really sad. I just need something else to be happy about though, and that's what's missing.

I have a crush on a stranger, but it isn't like the typical crush where I want them to like me back. I don't even care to grow a closer relationship than just acquaintances. I think about them a lot. I feel nothing, except violently. Completely hollow. I feel like confessing to them is the way to resolve this curse. Maybe just say hi to me and then it will all be over. Sounds so pathetic Trust me I don't want this either. Sooorry... to say I wished I could [kill you] but if I were competent at all I wouldn't be wishing!

I'm a liar. I'm obsessed with an idea, that's the truth. I'm just embarrassed, that's all. But I'm thinking of sharing it, for now. Thinking about it.

They fed me a strange chocolate biscuit sandwich and I ate it while pacing around outside. I saw a lone leafcutter ant probing the area.

My new eyeglasses are graded lower than my usual perscription. They said something about how eyeglass stores raise perscriptions on purpose to make money. Something about how higher grades hurt your head in the long-run, making you go back, get rechecked and get a new pair more often. The left lens on these are way too low, however; that I could say. I couldn't even read text that's just an arm's length away. I'm not sure who to believe; I got these glasses from another doctor who could be lying all the same. Doesn't blurry eyesight tire your eyes too? Whatever it is. I'm getting used to not seeing. I'm forced to swap out glasses, my previous higher perscriptions, if I want to see what's on the board clearly in class. Though, either it's true that higher perscriptions are worse for the long-term—I say as I've come to find constantly swapping between my current and old eyeglasses necessary as the older higher grade lenses have been leaving me dizzy and squinting—or it's just placebo, bias due to my eyes having re-adjusted to the blurriness. All in all the situation resulted in me seeing less, me being intentional with what I use my eyes for. Something. It's fine to not use your eyes. The world should be welcome to adjust to the blind. I browse websites on 400% zoom.

So I really do recognize the need for accessible web design. Even if I'm not legally blind in any way at all. That's actually a good thing.

Blogs are allowed to die.